My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
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“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog: