beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
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HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?