Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
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Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
I’m not wrong
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”