God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
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My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”