Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
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He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
“No way.” -Jose
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
doing some research