Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
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I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
$4 #usedbooks
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
From Facebook just now…
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.