him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
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Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
“Morning, how was your weekend?”