My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
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Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
can’t talk my ride’s here
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.