Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
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TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Every time my phone rings
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake