apparently this year was written by stephen king
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Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
my mom making me talk to relatives
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*