Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
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[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
“you changed” bro i was 15
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Admin smashed it 😂
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up