Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
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i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.