[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
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*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
*jazz hands*
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.