Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
You Might Also Like
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.