The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
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when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
i did the math
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
With this onion ring, I thee fed