Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
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You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once