The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
You Might Also Like
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.