I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
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Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.