Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
You Might Also Like
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send