Kidney stones? Hard pass
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Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Ha.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides