I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
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Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.