I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
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[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?