Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
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An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.