I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
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I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
So, can we agree on 4 or
i’m sure it’s fine
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.