I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
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*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
she has a point
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan