Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
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When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this