[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
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My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing