At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
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“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?