A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
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@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.