Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands