*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
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At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
“No way.” -Jose
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*