[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
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I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.