Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
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My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.