Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
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my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer