Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
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Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
just left a huge legacy in there
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign