Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
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I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!