Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
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Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.