yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
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Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea