I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
You Might Also Like
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
why isn’t he texting back
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.