Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
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Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
January has been Januweary
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
No selfies while hijacking a train.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.