I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
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I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”