Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
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Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Word!
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face