Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
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Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.