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Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.