If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
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Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
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Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.