[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
You Might Also Like
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.