[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
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Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
You got this…
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️