My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
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Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂