Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
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my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Who.
Did.
This?
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’