Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
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BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
SCARY COSTUME
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
He a real one for that
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.